Have you ever wondered why you question everything about yourself (looks, occupation, amount of friends), but don’t know how to stop? This is a common issue I encounter in my practice and probably one of the hardest hurdles to get over. How can someone who seems to have everything, feel like they are worthless? It’s hard to imagine, but happens more often than you think.
What is self esteem? Self esteem is your self worth. Self esteem is essential to our survival and without it, life is difficult and, at times, can be very painful. Now let me be clear, when high self esteem gets into the narcissist range, that is due to very low self esteem, but that is a topic for another day.
Our self esteem is established early on in life, from our childhood. When parents/guardians tell their children, “you are smart” “you can do anything and be anything you want” “you are funny”, etc… it sets the stage for your self esteem to flourish. Children then go into the world trying and sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing, but either way, the child has the confidence to keep going. If you were not told good things about yourself early on in life, it can impact how you see yourself as an adult. Does it always have to be this way, the short answer is no. But it takes work and effort to make the changes you need to see yourself as worthy.
How can you increase your self esteem? Well, it’s very simple and very difficult. The short answer, is to stop the negative self talk, to reframe what you say to yourself. Sounds easy, but you have to consistently do this until you start believing it. Below, I list out some steps to help you on the road to increasing your own self esteem:
Name your inner critic - you can call it, Debbie downer, the black cloud, whatever you feel describes is. And understand that this critic is not you. This critic is someone outside of yourself telling you all the things that are wrong with you.
Silence the critic - every time you hear the critic say something negative, stop it. Tell the critic “this isn’t what I think, it’s the critic telling me I wrong or bad.
Understand what the critic is trying to tell you - What is the function of the critic in this moment? For example, let’s say someone is going to a party and is not talking to anyone. Why? Well, the inner critic is saying “they won’t like you, so don’t engage anyone that way you won’t be rejected.” By understanding why your inner critic is saying what it’s saying, it is easier to shut it down.
What are you losing by listening to the inner critic - Figure out what does it cost you by listening to your inner critic. In the example of the person at the party, by not shutting down the inner critic, the person at the party will be missing out on meeting new people and possibly making new friends.
Take away your inner critic’s role - You do this by not giving your inner critic the power over you. Not everyone you meet will be someone who you would like to form a friendship with, and vice versa. This is no way means that they are a bad person or you are, but that they may not have much in common. It’s ok not to be liked by everyone, it’s ok to fail at something, it’s ok to have a bad hair day. You are not a failure because of those things.
There are many other strategies for increasing your self esteem and with practice and patience you can achieve your goals. I suggest you read the book Self Esteem, by Matthew McKay for an indepth look at how you can increase your self esteem and understanding why you have struggled with it.